Monday, June 30, 2014

Just Another Sleepless Night with a Side of Morosity

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Having another one of these sleepless nights. They seem to come more frequently these days. I'm sure it could be due to any number of reasons. I've a fair amount of work stress, even if it is from a job I love. I am still in school this summer and will be taking on an even larger caseload in the fall. My social life has zoomed out of control (seriously, this introvert needs a break!). And I've been struggling to work through some stuff in my head. I've been trying to write this particular post for nigh on three weeks and every time that I think I have it all figured out and have something honest, pithy, or witty to use, it all just kind of unravels as I attempt to type it up.

It's been one of those months where, even though I know that I'm headed in the right direction, I seem to be second-guessing myself at every turn. I don't like this at all. It's something that I thought I'd really gotten over in the past year or so. But apparently it's not to be as I'm sitting here again, wide awake and full of self-doubt.


I consider myself a pretty strong person. I've been through a good amount of shit and have had to learn some things the hard way. I haven't had anyone to help me. I don't have anyone waiting in the wings to pick up the pieces. And yet, I continue on. I've come out on top all on my own. But sometimes there are days when I just want to give up and curl up in a ball and ignore the world. Or even just end it all.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one out there who feels this way, even though I know how prevalent these sorts of thoughts are. I've been told that a common reasoning for people with suicidal thoughts is that they want to "show everyone [whoever "everyone" is] that they'll miss me when I'm gone". I've struggled with depression for well over 15 years. Suicidal thoughts have been a pretty common occurrence for me. They're almost old hat now. But that reasoning never really occurred to me. My thoughts? Just exhaustion. Being tired of living. Being tired of all the fake crap, all the schmoozing, all the pettiness. Just wanting to be done.

It's been a while since I've had suicidal thoughts. I can give my most sincere thanks to medical professionals and a low dose SSRI for that. It really revolutionized my life when I found out that my depression stemmed from a chemical imbalance that I could not control, not a personal failing or a lack of personal strength.

It's amazing what a little $10/month prescription can do to help. They aren't mood-altering pills. I don't become a different person, or even a different version of myself. I'm still very definitely me, with all my highs and lows, my snarkiness and even my lack of self-esteem. But it's like a safety net that's there to keep the lows from completely falling out from under me and dropping me down spirals I can't recover from.

Part of the reason I've been trying to write this post for so long (I feel like I've been trying to write honestly and openly on this topic for years) is because I am terrified that there will be someone out there, someone like me, who won't seek help because of the stigma that comes with mental health in our society today. Every time I thought about ending my life, there was always a little voice in the back of my head that was terrified at the thought of that 'success'. I called that little voice a 'coward' in the same breath of relief that I breathed that it was still there. I don't ever want someone to get to the point when they can't hear that little voice and they feel like they can't seek help.
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