- I forget to write for an inordinate amount of time
- I think for a few weeks that I should actually write something
- I start to write something decent or insightful and...
- The post always turns into a "sorry-it's-been-so-long,-let-me-update-you-on-every-annoying detail-in-my-life-since-I-last-wrote" rather than sticking with what I had planned.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I know, probably not that big a surprise. But lately, it's been a bit of a struggle. I've always operated under the impression that I will never be good enough. Society tells me that I am ugly, and as such, unworthy and incapable of garnering attention, love, or success because of my weight. The stereotypes of laziness, lack of discipline, and being unhealthy abound. It doesn't matter if all of that is wrong, but that's the kind of opinions that fat people encounter every day.
Being fat is a socially acceptable reason for people to invade your personal space, offer their opinions unsolicited on your health, and insult you in public on a regular basis. Not only is it none of their fucking business (as I've been tempted to inform people many times rather than just walk away in humiliation), but it's also rude and hateful. After the Southwest Airline debacle, film-maker Kevin Smith stated "I learned first-hand that fat people are the recipients of the last remaining socially acceptable prejudice." Every socially acceptable "positive" thing about me (intelligence, diligence, success, creativity, personality, sense of humor, etc.) is eclipsed by F-A-T. Because, of course, in the eyes of society, if you're fat, that's what your whole identity boils down to.
The ironic thing is that I am right there with the rest of society. Instead of standing up for myself and enjoying my life, I take it. I run and cry; I hide myself in shapeless clothes in dark colors. I take the insults, never standing up for myself. I readily accept labels of ugly, lazy, unloved, even if they are patently untrue. This is something I need to get over. I am tired of hating every picture I see of myself and living in shadows.
So here's what I know to be true:
- I am fat. (See, it's not a bad word.)
- On top of that, I have an "apple-shaped figure" which is supposed to be the final nail in the coffin of any woman's self-esteem.
- I am successful.
- I work hard.
- I work out. A lot. (I played roller derby for a couple years, I'm now training for a half marathon. Put that in your pipe and smoke it).
- I am not pregnant, but thank you random assholes for commenting on my lack of a socially acceptable shape.
- I have friends.
- I have a social life.
- I have a love life. (Are you surprised there are people that actually find me attractive?)
- I am not living a lonely, miserable life of fat-caused depression.
- I am not a fetish.
- Neither am I a freak of nature.
- I am no more unhealthy than the next person. (Actually, compared to a lot of the crap I see people eat every day, I think I'm doing pretty damn well).
- I am not "fat, but cute". I am "fat AND cute". No "buts" about it.
|Fat face, double chin -- Ironically, this was taken at one moment where I felt my prettiest. Halloween 2011|
|Fat face, shiny face, tiny eyes, fat arms - Another one where I felt pretty and hated the picture afterward. Winter 2010|
|Fat tummy, fat arms, fat face, tiny eyes - At Universal Studios Orlando. That's me, attempting to hide myself (while still being in the picture) behind the Grinch display.|
|One of the last times for several years that I wore white. After seeing this picture, I avoided it for years.|
|Fat face, where-are-my-eyes-?, double chin, big nose - Fall 2011|
|Pulling faces at an outdoor concert: stupid face, fat arms, fat neck, fat face, the list goes on.|
|So much that I've hated about this picture for so long. I think I just hated the fact that with the rest of the picture, I felt ugly by comparison.|