Sunday, October 4, 2009

Conundrum / Psychosis / It's Been Awhile

(So, apparently, I took an unintended mini-sabbatical from blogging... Huh. I didn't even realize I hadn't been writing. Anyway, I'm back and here's my latest disjointed post).

Now, on to the real stuff that provoked my posting this evening (er, morning...). As most of my ramblings are, this one is inspired by music, but also by some very real musings rolling around in my head. A couple months ago, Imogen Heap released her album Ellipse. Needless to say, I love the album, but there were a couple songs in particular that really struck me (Half Life and Bad Body Double). They both speak to the conundrum (hence the title!) of self-worth and how we connect our value directly to how we appear to ourselves and others.

I am constantly perplexed by people I know (mostly women, but men, too) who bend over backwards for the approval or even just the disdainful attention of one person or another. Waiting breathlessly for one word text messages and the slightest acknowledgment of their existence - doesn't this get frustrating? Why do they do this? Why do you persist in this self-inflicted torture even when they come out to your face and say that they don't care and that you should move on? This just does not make sense to me...

Tied to this is something that has been plaguing me (probably more due to the fact that apparently I have some kind of built-in male-repellent micro chip...): The whole image/appearance thing. I have posted on this before, but really I'm so confused with myself (this is probably where the psychosis bit could come in). I really am not making sense. Here's my problem:

On one hand, I am one of the most vain people I know and on the other... I beat myself up day after day for the way I look (some things I have control over and some I don't). I really don't understand how I can be both vain and disgusted, but somehow I am. Is this some kind of psychological marvel? Is it solely my problem or is this a problem perpetuated by a society that tells us we're all beautiful and all 'the best', but perpetuates images that 98% of the population cannot even attempt to fill?

I just wish I could be 'over' the whole beauty thing. I really wish I could say that it doesn't matter to me, but I can't. It's kind of like the whole being single thing. Often times when I tell people I'm happy being single, I have to wonder if I'm half-lying. I truly (really!) do not see where a boyfriend would be a good addition to my life now (or ever), but sometimes I wonder if it's more of a subconscious resignation to the fact that no one would want to date me -whether it be because of my looks or some other issue.
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