Thursday, March 20, 2008

Untitled (as of yet)

White coats
With skeptical eyes
Pounding heart
Am I telling lies?

"Here's the poke"
Heavy head
I see the phial fill
With lifeblood red

Whirring, humming
Red lights, green
Have to lie still
Looking for things unseen

Trouble speaking
Confusions reign
Can't think straight
Might be going insane

Can't slow down
Can't even speak
They don't believe me
Just think I'm weak

Limbs won't work
Arms gone numb
Chest seizes up
Relief won't come

No control
Fighting inside
Got to tell someone
But can't confide

Hide it well
You'd never know
The power of disease
I try not to show

More tests, more
No answers still
Hope starts to vacate
For emptiness so chill

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Well, Monday was interesting. To say the least. But to explain Monday, we have to go back to the weekend. Which I spent in bed. Sick. I don't know who knows what or how much. At this point, you all know probably as much as I do. I don't know what's causing whatever's happening to me. I don't know why they run test after test after test and still don't get any answers.

So, yes, back to Monday. I spent it in the ER. Well, to be absolutely correct, I spent the first few hours in bed trying to control a heart that wouldn't stop racing, a brain that wouldn't stop spinning, a head that wouldn't step aching and basically a body that ignored my every plea.

Sunday, March 9, 2008

Breakdown

I'm sick of it. Sick of the whole "being brave" or "being strong" crap. I just want to break down and have a good desperate cry. If asked how I'm doing, I'll inevitably say "I'm fine." Of course I will. I'll say it because that's what is expected of me.

The truth? I'm terrified. Scared out of my mind. Reduced to the point of wailing like a small child because I don't have the answers. I just don't know and it's driving me crazy. I don't want to have to think about the possibility of something being terribly wrong. I'm so scared of what it could be that I can't even write it here.

I just want answers. Even a name to put to this crap I'm living through. At this point, I'd take knowing a horrible truth than being stuck in this limbo of ignorance, where I can do nothing and have absolutely no control.

Monday, March 3, 2008

Geniuses

Don't you love it how alleged geniuses can say just about anything and get away with it? A favorite example: Charles Fourier, French philosopher and sociologist. Among some moderately well-formed ideas of his, the following are included:

"Fourier's passion for numbers led him to predict that the ideal world he was helping to create would last 80,000 years, 8,000 of them in an era of Perfect Harmony in which:
  • androgynous plants would copulate
  • six moons would orbit the earth
  • the North Pole would be milder than the Mediterranean
  • the seas would lose their salt and become oceans of lemonade
  • the world would contain 37 million poets equal to Homer, 37 million mathematicians equal to Newton and 37 million dramatists equal to Molière, although "these are approximate estimates"
  • every woman would have four lovers or husbands simultaneously"
(From http://www.historyguide.org/intellect/lecture21a.html)

While I generally admire those who think outside the box, I think this might be stretching it a wee bit.