Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Nothing to do

Just sitting here relaxing. Visiting Gina, Russell and Ella in Cleveland. Enjoying a little quiet time while Gina and Ella are at a playdate.

Not much else to write about. Work has slowed down to practically nonexistence, school starts on Monday and I'm looking up textbooks for the new classes.

Tried to play the Wii and apparently have not much more luck at that than regular video games. Though, it seems like there is room for improvement whereas with the regular stuff, I suck and that's all there is to it. ;o)

Hope you all are having a wonderful break/holiday.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Picture Post

A few (okay, more than a few because I find my camera addicting) snapshots from the past week or so highlighting life without school during the holidays. Well, mostly highlighting snow, cookies (and other food) and Christmas decorations. I don't have much of a life, so inanimate objects will have to suffice.


Our birdfeeder --after the sudden downpour of ten inches of snow in our backyard.

Yum! Who doesn't love pomegranates?


Making a savory pie crust


Picture's really of no importance (as if any of them are), but I happen to like this one.


Finished Product! Yes, it looks a little lumpy, but I don't really care. I was just happy that it tasted really good! In my defense, it was not your typical pie crust, but a very fluffy almost biscuit-y crust.

B&W of the Christmas Tree!

Swirled Mint Cookies (Actually more like Marbled-Mint Cookies because they wouldn't hold their pattern!)

Pinwheel Prep

The end result. A bit labor intensive, but definitely worth it this time.

Bam! (In honor of Emeril)

Yay, yay, yay! If you are brave enough, now is the time to insert mental picture of Lindsey doing the happy dance which involves the waving of arms and dancing in circles while squealing. Just got the grades and oh-so-happy am I! Definitely a personal best. I deserve an award. Sigh. At least for tonight I am content.

On a completely different note, I made homemade chicken pot pie tonight (crust and all) and it actually turned out alright. Also, baked about 30 chocolate pinwheel cookies. Granted, there were supposed to be 36 in the batch, but Grandma and I had to taste test through the process to make sure the cookies would be edible. Will post pictures of my cookie escapades tomorrow (err, I suppose I should say later today?) --possibly after I make a batch of swirled peppermint cookies.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Pictures

So, with the arrival of my much-anticipated holiday break, I've enjoyed trying to get myself into the 'Christmas Spirit' as of late. This has included: a) listening to Christmas music, b) decorating the tree, the house and setting up the miniature village, c) baking and decorating sugar cookies, and d) going to see the lights in Frankenmuth.

It was actually a really fun time today. Whipped out a new sugar cookie recipe (see below), called Mom about icing and set to work on baking un montón de galletitas. After a bit of trial and error and a well-timed piece of advice from Sarah, the cookies were a success! We set to decorating and --eight hours later with innumerable breaks and tangents-- the whole batch is baked, decorated and stored for next week.

Decided to go with blue, green and white icing as I'm not a fan of red-and-green (somehow feels too kitschy to me). Definitely your unconventional Christmas cookies. Anyway, here are some pictures of the decorating process.

Grandma decorating Christmas cookies.


Works in Progress


The finished product ready for the freezer!


After cookies, the next order of business was to prepare for the snowstorm forecast for, well, right about now actually. We are supposed to get nine to twelve inches of snow tonight! So, for the first time, Grandma and I attempted what we thought was the impossible: to fit two cars into our little garage. But, behold, it is possible! With a fair bit of finagling and a little patience, we managed to get my poor little red beast inside to safely wait out the inclement weather.


Unfortunately, forgot my camera when we went up to Frankenmuth, so I'll just have to post pictures of that and the village later. Chau!

___________________

The Best Rolled Sugar Cookies


Disclaimer: This is the first time I have ever used this recipe, so some changes were made (noted in italics) mostly to preparation and baking rather than ingredients. They're a bit decadent for sugar cookies (four eggs!), but definitely worth a try.

Ingredients:
1.5 c. butter, softened
2 c. white sugar
4 eggs
1 t. vanilla extract
5 c. all-purpose flour
2 t. baking powder
1 t. salt

In a large bowl, cream together butter and sugar until smooth. Beat in the eggs and vanilla. Stir in the flour, bkaing powder, and salt. Cover, and chill dough for at least one hour (or overnight).

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees fahrenheit (200C). Roll out dough on floured surface (I use powdered sugar instead) 1/4 to 1/2 inch thick.

Cut into shapes with and cookie cutter.
So my dough turned out fairly sticky, even with additional flour I had a little trouble with consistency. So in the end I ended up actually freezing the dough for a couple of hours and then rolling them into logs so that I could simply cut the rounds before baking --thanks for the tip, Sarah!

Place 1" apart on ungreased cookie sheets (They stuck to the pan. Use a greased cookie sheet.)

Bake 6-8 minutes.
______________

Icing: a little more haphazard as all measurements are approximate. Here's the recipe I got from Mom. As a forewarning, this recipe is not for those who are watching their waistlines.

2 T. butter, softened
1 t. almond extract
2 c. powdered sugar
1-2 T. of cream cheese.
1-? t. of milk

Alright, so combine basic amounts in a bowl and mix. Cream cheese is optional, just use butter instead. Can use Crisco (instead of butter and cream cheese) for a really clean white, but the taste is more bland and waxy. Milk is to thin it out. The important thing is to remember to add the milk one teaspoon at a time as a little goes a very long way.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Reflections on a Wednesday Afternoon

I woke up today and did nothing. WHAT?! Nothing --no papers, no exams, no projects. I woke up today and almost freaked out because I didn't have to get anything done before work...

Had a similar moment in the library yesterday. Had already finished my literature review and was waiting on a friend to finish hers before we went to turn them in. And waiting for her I suddenly realized that as I was sitting doing absolutely nothing, I should be more productive. Why wasn't I studying? Surely I had several hundred pages to read or a paper to write? But no. It was over.

Now I just have to figure out what to do with next semester...

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

An odd sense of peace...

An odd sense of peace has descended on my world. The semester's over (with an hour to spare), I've got a stack of books to read over the holiday, and internet access in my house. Ah, all is right in the world.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Tempus Fugit...

...Even when you're not having fun!

All right, so the semester was fun (most of the time). It's just the end that has me going bonkers. Haven't had the chance to write much because the end has really caught up with me. Seriously. Classes are over and all have is three papers and a final left. I will be done by Tuesday, December 16th. Craziness.

So, as I have a few minutes now to take a breather, just thought I'd sit down and update.

Work has slowed down considerably (conveniently timed with the end of the semester, but unconveniently timed with Christmas present-buying and travel) and that's allowed me to not go completely insane. Have come to the realization that I will need to find a second job next semester.

School. Sigh. School is going well --so far. If my final papers turn out as well as the rest of the semester has I believe I may actually be able to pull off my highest GPA yet. Quite a feat for the former straight-B student. :) Definitely something to smile about as a boost to the gradepoint is always welcome.

Life in general: Well, as life consists of school and work for me, I'm not sure there is a lot to update on. Granted, I spent a great Thanksgiving with my aunt, uncle and cousins and am looking forward to Christmas spent with friends or family in the area. Also, with holiday break, I have a list of books and movies about three miles long to get through (pretty sure that's not actually going to happen but it's worth a try).

Next semester will be fun. I'll be taking four classes (Forensic Anthropology, Sex & Gender or Sex, Work and International Capital; Culture & Personality, and Social & Cultural Change) plus my senior thesis (basically directed readings and a big paper). Then, get to walk in May and finish up classes in spring semester (June-July). I can't believe the end is so near. Now if I can only not screw this up!

Of course though, once school's done then it's a whole different kettle of fish. Most importantly, where to find a full-time job while taking a year or two off and making some decisions... Anybody looking for a diligent, honest, hardworker with a BA in Anthropology? Throw in minimal German and decent Spanish for bonuses? ... Help.

Not even going to think about that yet.

Well, must away. Have mountains of books to read (for research paper - anyone know anything about the archaeology at Jamestown?) and a job to get to.

Chau, chicos!

PS: I finally broke down and bought a coat. Now aren't you proud?

Thursday, December 4, 2008

The Visionary

by Emily Bronte

Silent is the house: all are laid asleep:
One alone looks out o'er the snow-wreaths deep,
Watching every cloud, dreading every breeze
That whirls the wildering drift, and bends the groaning trees.

Cheerful is the hearth, soft the matted floor;
Not one shivering gust creeps through pane or door;
The little lamp burns straight, its rays shoot strong and far:
I trim it well, to be the wanderer's guiding-star.

Frown, my haughty sire! chide, my angry dame!
Set your slaves to spy; threaten me with shame:
But neither sire nor dame, nor prying serf shall know,
What angel nightly tracks that waste of frozen snow.

What I love shall come like visitant of air,
Safe in secret power from lurking human snare;
What loves me, no word of mine shall e'er betray,
Though for faith unstained my life must forfeit pay

Burn, then, little lamp; glimmer straight and clear--
Hush! a rustling wing stirs, methinks, the air:
He for whom I wait, thus ever comes to me;
Strange Power! I trust thy might; trust thou my constancy.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Band Names

Okay, so recently I've happened upon a few band names that I just found too amusing to pass up.

"I Love You, But I've Chosen Darkness"
"And You Will Know Us By the Trail of Dead"
(oddly enough I haven't heard any macabre or depressing songs out of either of the aforementioned).
"Moondog" (Okay, so this one isn't as funny, but I just can't get Moondoggie from Gidget out of my head now!)

The name isn't very original, but I have to mention Twink. Okay. Have you ever heard "Enter Sandman" on a toy piano? I thought not. Totally surreal. The first time I heard it, I was sitting there humming along trying to figure out what the heck I was listening to and how I knew the melody when... Say what?! I'm listening to a Metallica cover by a toy piano project?! Look it up. The album is "Supercute!" (don't ask me why they named it that) and the version of "Enter Sandman" is so much fun. Be warned. If you listen through the whole CD, the pianos can get a bit annoying.

Oh, and once I finally get my imaginary band together, I totally have dibs on the name "Running with Scissors".

Thursday, November 13, 2008

I think I'm a nerd... and I like it!

I have recently become more aware of my slight geekiness. It's a beautiful thing, this revelation. Here are some of the things that have led to this recent revelation.

1.) I have been referred to as a walking encyclopedia on too many occasions.

2.) I read more non-fiction for fun than I do fiction.
-Except for the occasional friend-recommended book, my library record largely includes
encyclopedic or reference-style books.

3.) I am a fan of the SciFi channel and am tempted by SG-1 reruns...

4.) I peruse my dictionary for fun.

5.) I have been known to write copious amounts of epic (I cringe at the word "fantasy", despite it's appropriateness here... Please don't think unicorns and rainbows or buxom blondes!) stories/novellas.

6.) I can rock-step, lindy and balboa to my heart's content and can sing you more Andrews Sisters than I can current pop music.

7.) I spend the majority of my free time at the library --and not always out of necessity.

8.) Always go for function over form. If a scarf is all I've got to protect my poor ears from the winter cold, I will shove my dignity off the nearest cliff, cover my head and relish the sniggered comments about blue-haired old ladies. (That hasn't actually happened yet, but it sounded good).


Sigh. It's good to be a bit nerdy. At the same time, though, I feel ridiculously out of touch with some of my peers... Ah well. That's life.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Untitled (again) because I'm not creative enough to come up with a fun title today.

Thanks to all that commented. I never really get the chance to say thanks to each of you seperately, so there it is.

So, I'm definitely enjoying the drop in gas prices. Filled up my car on Saturday for under $23.00. Seriously.

For people who have asked about my voting experience: It was ridiculously quick and simple. We had a large number of absentee ballots, so that made a difference. I didn't even have to wait in line. I walked into my little city hall, filled out a card, handed over my Driver's License, grabbed a ballot, filled it out, turned it in and walked out the door. Whole experience took probably under five minutes.

Sarah, I'm going to give imeem.com a try. We'll see.

So ready for a break. Working retail is not conducive to retaining your sanity. I'm banking on my New Year's minibreak to get me through the next year or so.

A random poll here: If a sign says "10/$10" are the prices:
a) $1/each
b) $10 for 10 items

I am so sick of stupid customers getting mad at me because they can't read. If the items were a dollar each, they'd be marked with a sign that says "$1.00". The mere fact that we mention a specific quantity implies that it is relevant information. Grrr.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

What a week.

It has been a doozy of a week. Granted, it is not over yet, but when school's done for the week I pretty much consider the week over. Had two exams and a presentation in three days, plus trying to fit in voting on Tuesday. I'm whipped and ready for a break. Which will come... I don't know when. New Year's? Sounds like a plan. Kinda a scary prospect when that is the first foreseeable day off. Tell you what sounds good is a movie night or a book night, with a cup of tea and a warm blanket.

Side note: Saw gas @ $1.99 today! How long has it been since it was that low?

Enjoying good music lately. Been listening to a conglomeration of Sandra McCracken, Derek Webb, Rufus Wainwright, Kaki King, Jem, Adele and Duffy. I think that's most of them. Anyway. Loving all of it. And, btw, if you've never heard of Kaki King, look her up people! Absolutely amazing guitarist. Blows my mind.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Update

So... Gas is $2.02. Seriously. I even tried to take a pic with my phone. It didn't work.

Haven't been on as of late because of school and work. This week I have two exams and a presentation due. Next week, I have two papers due. I'm not liking these next two weeks. Granted, exam numero uno will be done tomorrow, presentation is almost complete and that will be done with the second exam on Thursday. BUT I've got my crazy weekend in between which involves working (anyone who's worked retail knows that the retail employee really has no such thing as a weekend), family visiting from two different states (which means the house has to be crazy clean), paper-writing and a wedding. Ack!

Other than that, nothing's really going on. Oh, and I need to get up early tomorrow to get to the polls before school. Get out and vote people! I don't care how you do it, but if you want the right to moan and complain about the government, you need to vote!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Lessons in Survival and Ingenuity

You would think that after living in the North for going on nine years now, I would be prepared for the onset of winter. You would think that. But no. I emerged from the library last night around 11pm to find the landscape transformed before my very eyes into frozen tundra. And there I was standing in a spring jacket, scarf and fingerless gloves. Granted, you have to give me credit for even remembering those as that --in and of itself-- is something I usually forget.

So, I brave the walk (two city blocks or so: not much) to my car to find my windows have frosted over. And not only have they been frosted over, apparently it rained earlier, so my windows are covered in frost and a layer of ICE! This is October!

Never fear! As a semi-native Michigander, I always have a window scraper in my car. Until now. I cannot find that darn scraper anywhere. (I'm still looking for it as a matter of fact).

Oh well. Always the inventive one (and as I've had to resort to this sort of thing before), I turn on my defroster full blast and reach inside my wallet for... dum-da-dum-dum... The old library card! Yes, folks, it's true. The best replacement for a misplaced scraper is none other than your little inoccuous, expired library card tucked in the deep recesses of your wallet. Cuidado, this method does have a slight inclination toward frozen, frostbitten fingers, but it gets the job done.

And it did. Here are some pictures that I took to document my lack of preparedness. It's more fun to laugh at yourself if people are laughing with you, I think.



The frozen windsheild --I'm just glad that I didn't have 6" of snow to add to the mix.



Finding the ever-trusty library card


Scraping. And scraping. And scraping some more.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Just one of those days

It has definitely been one of those days. Can't think straight. Can't get anything right. Even my English has gone haywire. How's that for crazy?

Nothing much happening here. Just very cold. It was in the 20s last night. It's going to be so cold on the walk out to the car tonight. I think I need to buy a parka. My jacket just is not cutting it. We shall see.

Had a good day yesterday. Off of school and work, so I drove out and surprised H for her birthday. We went to Bravo's (Yay for good pasta and incredible bruschetta!), got some ice cream and then hung around talking for a while. You never appreciate people fully until they're gone or you haven't seen them for a while. And then I had my lovely drive home. I kept stalling as I was walking out the door. Was going to leave at ten. That didn't work. Got up to go at 11pm and stood talking for another half hour. Then went in search of caffeine which took another twenty minutes. I ended up leaving around 12:50am. So worth it though. I got home around 1am tired, but happy.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Hmph.

As you can see from my title, I'm feeling particularly eloquent and articulate today. Just got out of my appointment with my advisor and am sorely tempted to throw a mini hissy fit. I won't, though. I'm sitting here calmly typing away (when I should be reading about Late Colonial Artifacts), trying to process what is going through my head. It's really not that big of a surprise, and it's actually not as bad as it could be, but it is a let down. I'm not graduating in May. Well, I'm walking in May, but have to take two more classes in Spring. Phooey. So close. Apparently, I have fulfilled (or will have fulfilled by May '09) every general education requirement, every department requirement and even my residency (which is usually particularly annoying to transfer students). But I somehow missed the 300-level rule. I am short by two measly classes at the 300-level or higher. I completely understand the requirements and I am not complaining about the rules/requirements by any means. I am whinging over my own incompetency.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Monday, Monday

Beginning of yet another week. Trying to do some research here at the library and coming up empty. I was actually pretty excited about literature reviews this semester and thought I came up with some pretty good ideas. Apparently, I need to rethink them, widen them and/or go back to the drawing board.

Still fighting that nasty cold which has progessed splendidly (note the heavy sarcasm) and is now wreaking havoc on my ears. Scary prospect as last time this happened, I lost my hearing in my left ear for three weeks. That definitely made life interesting. ;o) On that note, I have found my new best friend: C.O. Bigelow Cold & Flu Soak. Amazing stuff. Really. Granted, it is much more amazing than it normally would be when you get it 90% off.

Still waiting on grades from Paper #1 and Exam #2 this semester. Ick. It really throws everyone for a loop when the department changes their requirements. Here we are, last year of school and they switch formats. Bah.

On a different note: Yesterday, for the first time I can remember, I heard a leader at a church give a political plug. Seriously. Isn't that against the law...? I mean, they would get their not-for-profit status taken away, yes? Anyway, I thought it was very strange. Quite stunned actually. Sat there for a full five minutes wondering if I actually heard what I thought I just heard.

Completely Random: Gas was $2.62 today!

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Life is like chocolate mousse...

I was trying to think of a really insightful allegory to go with my lovely title, but for that's all it will be. I just thought it sounded cool. I'm sure I could find some way to work that out... Hm... give me a few. I'll get back to you on that.


Anyway... the source of the title comes from my most recent accomplishment. I made homemade chocolate mousse! And it was edible! Okay, so I had a few problems at first (I had to start over with the eggs...) and I let the chocolate cool a little bit too longer, but it was good! I was so excited. It was a little lumpy... but it tasted like chocolate mousse, so that's what counts. I was just glad it was recognizable. Picture's not very good though... Can I blame that on the camera?





This lovely event came about yesterday because I was home for dinner --a very rare occasion in and of itself. As such, I usually cook when I'm home, so we broke out the good china (seriously), grilled some steaks, lit a few candles and put on some great music. What a way to unwind. Went to work for a few hours and then came home and got to relax with a cup of tea and a movie. (L, thanks for the recommendation oh-so-many months ago of Paris, Je T'aime. The library here just got it!)


As a little something for my fellow would-be foodies: the recipe for chocolate mousse. As a heads up for you non-coffee lovers, I left out the espresso.

And can I say again: THE LIBRARY IS SUPPOSED TO BE QUIET! There is a reason we have study rooms, people! The desks in the middle of the library are not the place to hold your social network summits. Argh.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Liminal

Standing at the crossroads
Haven't I been here before?
Back to this state of transition,
indecision

This way left, that way right
Halfway between here and there
One foot on the water and one
on dry land

Surrounded, suspended by
a curtain of possibility
tears of joy and grief, stepping out
of security

And into the unknown adventure
to see what's waiting on the other side
of the veil that keeps us from
what will be.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

"Ick" or "Why-does-this-always-happen-right-at-the-worst-time?"

My words are coming back to haunt me. I always tell people that I don't usually get sick. And honestly, except for the odd, debilitating mystery illness, I don't. Apparently I need to add on a disclaimer to that now. The common cold has finally caught up with me. How do people deal with this? Something has been going around work, I woke up fuzzy on Friday and then have been getting steadily ickier (if I can be be allowed to coin that word). I need to go track down cold medicine. What do you buy for this? Is it Sudafed or can I not get that anymore because it can be made into meth? Am I terribly confused? Possibly.

Must away. Have a paper to write and a cold to conquer.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Ack!

Just a wee bit overwhelmed right now. I have been toying with the idea of grad school for the past couple years and have just started to think about it pretty seriously in the past eight months or so. I really should've talked to an advisor the instant the whim popped into my head. It's not that I feel like I won't be able to do it, but there's just so much to do and so much to think about right now! Granted, there's no way I could get in for Fall, but I have to think about the GRE (a whole can of worms in and of itself), my GPA, recommendation letters, which schools I'm considering, exactly which program I want to go for, whether I want to move cross country (One of her recommendations was University of Denver), etc., etc. Oy vey. Heck, I'm still deciding whether I'm cultural or physical anthropology!

Took the first test for Latin America today. Was quite interesting. One of those where you get through and really have no idea how you did. I answered every question, defined every term and wrote both of the essays, but I can never gauge my performace. Luckily, talking to my classmates confirmed that they were equally unsure as to how they did.

Have to start working on the cemetery project this week. That one will definitely be interesting. First whiskey bottles, now gravestones, next ceramics. So fun!

Monday, October 6, 2008

Tired. Quite tired, but content. School continues to... well, continue. Have actually managed to exceed a few expectations of my own (which weren't very high in the first place, but exciting nonetheless). Had my first real week of work. Definitely interesting. Nothing more needs to be said! ;o)

Been reading John Donne and Sylvia Plath lately. Very different, yet very similar somehow. Enjoying both of them quite a lot.

Finished "Testing Women, Testing the Fetus" for Medical Anthro today. Raises a lot of questions and has me thinking. It will be interesting to see how this paper turns out...

I've also come to a realization that I am quite shallow and unimpressive and no matter how intelligent, unique or interesting I try to make myself, it will never change. I wish I'd come to this revelation sooner. It's one of those admissions which is both terrifying and very freeing at the same time. You potentially lose the stress of keeping up this image of orginality, but now... what do I fall back on? Why would people like me if I'm just... me? For that matter, who the heck is 'me'? Have we been pretending so long that we've lost our true sense of self? I think I might have...

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Untitled

Connected
But there’s a disconnect
We fly through
Life. Unconcerned
With the world
Outside our own.

Disconnected
From the past and
From each other
Our history clashes
With indifference and
Breeds, festers into
Ignorance

Horrors then and
Now. We watch
And listen only to just
Keep on moving
Separate ways
Unimpressed

Unknowing, uncaring
Now with knowledge at
Our fingertips
Still scanning over it like
So many numbers, making
Souls only statistics

Millions of numbers
Of people, silhouettes
We refuse them
Their faces, their
Names, so we don’t
Have to think,
Don’t have to feel.

No one talks of
Atrocities committed
Not even a whisper
We can’t acknowledge
The people we’ve lost
And are losing still

Generations of
Silence between us
Hurts too much to
Speak of the things they
Saw and they heard
And so remain unspoken

And here we sit
Unaffected. Blasé about
Sacrifice, massacre and
Struggles fought with greatest price
For the lives of those
Who live yet

Connected, yet not,
We sit in our own
Little place, in
Our own little world
And forget the cost
That others have paid
And pay still.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Fingers, Movies and Music

So... I haven't been able to feel two of my fingers on my left hand for about two weeks now. I'm assuming this is a bad thing? It's definitely making typing and other finger-oriented occupations interesting.

Saw "Wit" a couple nights ago. It's an HBO movie (Emma Thompson as lead) about an English professor with cancer. All right, so that's the very abbreviated version. I will not claim it as a favorite or an enjoyable film, but it was compelling... to say the least. Slightly less barebones synopsis: Vivian Bearing (Thompson) is a well-established and very demanding English professor (her specialty is John Donne) when she finds out she has Stage 4 Metastic Ovarian Cancer. Basically, the majority of the film is her narrating her experiences and how she 'got to where she is'. Quotes "Death, be not proud" quite a few times. Also, one of my very favorite orchestral pieces is played at intervals throughout.

Transitioning into that: If you have an hour (Movt. 1 is 27 minutes, Movement to is just over nine minutes and Movt. 3 is 19 minutes) and can stand orchestral music, listen to Henryck Gorecki's "Sorrowful Songs". Probably some of the most beautiful music written in the 20th century. It's a piece for strings and soprano. Heartwrendingly beautiful. Particularly the second movement. The music was written by Gorecki after World War II, the lyrics for the second movement are a prayer to Mary that was inscribed by a young girl on the wall of a cell at Gestapo headquarters in Zakopane, Poland. The other two movements have equally poignant music and lyrics, but I have always loved the second best --you will not understand until you listen to it. You have these long, sustained chords in the strings, providing the foundation for this ethereal soprano melody. Beautiful.

Lyrics from Movt. 2
Mother, Mother, do not cry
Queen of Heaven
Protect me always
Hail Mary, Full of Grace.

Mamo, nie płacz, nie.
Niebios Przeczysta Królowo,
Ty zawsze wspieraj mnie.
Zdrować Mario, Łaskiś Pełna.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Mr. Motormouth and other things

Alrighty then. I am going to voice this here and now and then be done with it. I am fed up with feeling intellectually inferior (or treated as an intellectual inferior?) because I do not use five-syllable words in daily conversation and do not repeat the word 'cosmology' every five seconds. Can't I be a semi-intelligent person who speaks in layman's terms?! Mr. Motormouth, one of my oh-so-endearing classmates, seems to be of the opinion that the larger the words you use, the smarter you are. It doesn't matter that none of us really care what he's saying --because essentially he's saying the same thing over and over again... with big words.

May I present Exhibit A, damas y caballeros: Before class, a classmate (not Motormouth) and I got into a discussion on amniocentesis (current topic of said class), which transitioned to where we get our preconceived notions on certain things (por ejemplo: abortion, quality of life for disabled people) which ultimately transferred to a question of belief systems and how we --as Christians and potential academics-- play the balance between faith/belief and academically accepted knowledge. Mr. Motormouth walks in and joins the conversation. Everything goes well for the first fifteen seconds or so until he dominates the conversation with his attempt at some grandiose sort of philosophy (that just also happens to be slightly off topic). It also didn't help that he was talking so quickly I didn't even understand half of what he was saying.

Am I too picky? Probably. What's a girl to do?
______________

On a different note: I think I am the closest I have ever been in my entire life to being a teacher's pet... I'm not sure what to make of it. Is it a good thing or a bad thing? Is it foolish of me to say that I'm tickled pink about this? I have never been the one with the answers, the one the teacher calls on, or the one the teacher makes reference to, no matter how much I understand or enjoy the material. I never expected or tried to be either. What has happened here? My normal classroom role entails sitting in the back row, being quiet, inevitably stuttering when I'm called upon, and trying to ignore imploring looks to speak from my professor so that I don't make a fool of myself.

Then again, we'll see how this all plays out when I have to turn in my paper in two weeks time... My status just might change after she sees that. Not that I'm particularly bad at essays, but I've never had this professor before and am not sure what to expect.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Very amused

So every once in awhile, I just have to take these quizzes --some insatiable urge to participate in the inane? Anyway, just took this lovely one today and was amused by the outcome. Found it particularly apropos and was surprised to find myself compared to my favorite Jane Austen heroine of all time.

"Which Jane Austen Character Are You?"

Anne Elliot



You are instinctive, sensible and loving. You tend to blame yourself for the past actions that you now regret making. You are not very open so the others find it easy to take advantage of your flexible character to shift it to their own will... You should give more credit to yourself, because in the end you will act with determination and constancy to aquire what you want and achieve happiness!


P.S. If you haven't read Persuasion, go find a copy and read it immediately!

Monday, September 22, 2008

A technology dependence

The network on campus was down for over an hour earlier this afternoon. It's amazing just how upset people got over it. Granted, I was one of those who was quite edgy as well. "I've got homework to do" or "My test is online only until one o'clock". We are ridiculously dependent on our gadgets. What would ever happen if we just lost everything for a day. Can you imagine the chaos?

Saturday, September 20, 2008

At the library...

There is someone two cubicles down from me talking on her cell phone while playing music that can be heard by all. In the library. I am not irate, but just a little bit peeved. I do not want to hear about your social life and how you're having trouble getting your Comp I homework done or how your boyfriend won't go out with you and he's such an idiot because he has to work. All I really want to do is sit, study and write in some semblance of silence. What has happened to library etiquette, I ask you!

Anyway... Enjoying the beautiful day today. It's positively balmy (translate: over 70 degrees fahrenheit) and the sun is shining. Trying to get some work done while I have access to the internet. Library's open 'til six so I have... just about four hours left.

Have my second day of work tomorrow. We'll see how it goes... I really hope the hours work out because with the price of gas as it is, a measly 10 hours a week just doesn't cut it.

And now I have a lovely gentleman to my right who has his music on and is singing along! In the library! Now I'm starting to get upset. Do I ask them to please be quiet? Shouldn't they know this? It's a library after all? Have we forgotten the idea of 'inside voices' from Kindergarten? Wonderful! Someone on the other side of him asked him to be quiet! Silence is golden, particularly in the library.

On to something a bit more cheerful: So, last night Cyrano de Bergerac (1950 with Jose Ferrer)was on TCM and it was wonderful! Ach, I love that book. It has been all too long since I read it. I mean really, who can help but love Cyrano de Bergerac? Anyway, so that was fun. Poor Grandma. She walked into the room and I'm sitting there sniffling at the end of the movie and she can't figure out what the heck's wrong because every time I try to explain I start laughing over the absurdity of me crying over a movie and then I have more tears pouring down my face.

Another movie seen recently that was rather enjoyable: 84 Charing Cross Road. Has anyone seen this? I'd never heard of it before and found it at my little library in town. I actually really enjoyed it (this coming from my completely inexpert and uneducated opinion). Main characters are played by Anthony Hopkins and Anne Bancroft.

Also, I've decided that the worst yard job possible is picking up acorns. Yuck. We must have bagged... four yard bags of acorns yesterday alone. I can't believe she usually does that on her own! Those things are heavy and what a pain to try to pick up and bag. I am seeing more and more the beauty of living in the country, where you can let the nuts fall where they may, or in an apartment where someone else handles pesky lawn jobs.

Random note: My grandmother saw Silence of the Lambs in the theatre when it first came out. Even funnier is the fact that she had no idea what she was going to see and was scared out of her wits by it. I don't think she's seen a movie without a recommendation since.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Classes and other stuff

Well, here I am again. About a month into the semester and homework is just now getting heavy. Though, I have to say, the classes are a blast. Being an Anthropology major is so cool because I get to take the really interesting stuff. Well, I suppose that depends on your point of view, but I'm loving it. So what I've got this semester:

Introduction to Archaeology (How I missed the one Intro class I needed, I do not know): Pretty easy overview of archaeological theories, famous archaeologists, discoveries, etc.

Cultures of Latin-America: Lots of fun. Took a similar class (South Asia) last semester with the same professor and really enjoyed it.

Historical Archaeology: This one is the most fun! Basically, we talk about archaeology in relation to post-writing (and mostly post-Gutenburg Press) eras as opposed to the pre-historic stuff. Right now, I'm working on an architectural comparison project as well as researching different decorative techniques for 18th & 19th century ceramic wear. Also, just finished a toponymy project that was really quite interesting. The other good thing about this class is that, though I'm taking it as an under-grad, it is also a 500 level class for grad students, so there's a lot more depth to this one as well.

Medical Anthropology: So far, this one is hands-down the most interesting. It's all about health, obviously, but it takes a very different approach to looking at health-care systems, our perceptions of wellness versus illness/disease, etc. Honestly, this class is in the evening and three hours long and I haven't dozed off once. It's a miracle! The books sound really interesting, too. First read is: Testing Women, Testing the Fetus (about amniocentesis). Second will be: The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down (talks about the crossover between medical practices when working with people of other belief systems and cultures). Lastly we have: Stories in the Time of Cholera. And I don't remember anything about this one other than the title...

____________________

All right. So, for those of you who have been asking and I have not been able to get in touch with you, here's the deal on the whole Cleveland Clinic thing. Went about a month ago, they said that they were going to run some tests and then set up some appointments for me with a few other departments (Joy! More Doctors!). Got the bloodwork done while I was there and was sent home to await the phone call with other appointment days. It's been a month and I haven't heard anything, so I've started calling to try and figure out if I've fallen through the cracks with them. Nothing as of yet.

Non-doctor visit update: I'm okay. Prescription pain meds work wonders. ;o) It's actually going better than the previous eight months or so which were nightmarish. Though still in pain and sick, I am not completely incapacitated like I have been before.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Frustrated.

Disclaimer: Feel free to ignore this post as it is the product of late-night ramblings that simply needs an outlet. Also, you are more than welcome to egg the computer in annoyance if you do choose to read it, though I suggest ruining someone else's computer and not your own. Cheers!

Hello. My name is Lindsey and I have a problem.

When you talk to me, you might not see it. In fact, I'm pretty sure you won't. I care little for the latest fashion trends, clothes, makeup, people's opinions of me, etc. I wear what I please and don't care what you think. I criticize people for being stuck on the media's idea of beautiful and I embrace my larger size.

What you don't see is that the sarcasm and stoicism is my armor; my escape clause. I hate myself, you see, I really do. I look in the mirror and I see this overweight, overstressed, ugly, self-conscious geek. For all my criticism of our society's false perception of beauty, deep down I want it. I want to be a girl who walks in, makes heads turn and knows she's the reason.

I went through all of high school and 90% of college without being asked out once. Not even once. It's amazing how the lack of something can hurt a girl's self esteem. I've received quite a variety of back-handed compliments and sugar-coated insults, but nothing cuts quite as deep as going unnoticed.

Looking in the mirror, I wonder it there's even the slightest possibility that someone could be interested in me --love me, even. For all my personality and intelligence, I can't see anything other than me, my scars, my imperfections, my weaknesses. It hurts like hell.

It's always 'if'. If I had done this. If I had tried that. Well, the 'if's are past and now here I am: my own creation and my worst nightmare.

I hate myself for this weakness. I call it my "Disney Princess Syndrome". Symptoms include unrealistic expectations about love, hair and waistline. In my circle of friends, I might be considered the staunchest and loudest opposition to this disease, yet I've succumbed to it just the same. Until the age of 19, I believe I was convinced I would eventually (translate: before I turned 22) a) develop a miraculous hourglass figure, b) wake-up with gorgeous hair and, most importantly, c) meet Prince Charming (or the closest non-fairytale syndicate) and ride off into the sunset to my great love affair.

Hm... yes. That plan went well, quite well. By the age of 20 and some odd months, I had resigned myself to the idea of perpetual solitude and accepted the idea of being single until I die. Well, sort of. Here I am, nearing 24, just as single (perhaps moreso, if that's possible?) as I was at 19, much more cynical and sans my rose-colored glasses. I am fine with my singleness. Really. I'm not actively pursuing anyone and I don't intend to (not saying I wouldn't jump if I had the chance, of course).

Damn you, Disney, it's rooted deep. There's still that stupid, idiotic, imbecilic, moronic, sophomoric, immature and quite positively insane part of my brain that insists I am incredibly lonely without a member of the opposite sex on my arm. For clarification, though they are closely related, this is not the same part of my brain that insists on watching romantic comedies or reading copious amounts of Jane Austen when it breaks out of its cage once a year to my complete horror.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Ticked off!

Online classes are complete tripe and should be banned except in the case of competent professors with proven, effective teaching methods. And you should have to pass a "reliability" test to enroll in an online class. Hmph.

I have never before had a class that I have hated in the first week. This one might take that prize. I've also never truly hated an online class. Again, this one might win the banana. I have never before had group projects in an online class... Just how the dickens is that supposed to work?! So frustrated. To use my favorite new word in a quite possibly incorrect context, this class is utter piffle!

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Icky Mondays

Ugh. Today has not been a spectacular day so far. Pounding headache woke me this morning. I would've taken the lovely prescription painkillers, but you can't take them on an empty stomach. And of course I can't keep any food down either. Ick. I have progressed to Gatorade and crackers. This is supposed to be good?

Anyway, second week of classes starts today. Not too much to do yet, but hopefully things'll get more interesting these next couple weeks.

No word on a job yet. Phooey. Well, all I can do is keep putting in applications, waiting and praying. It's times like these when I wonder if this was really the better option. I just have to keep reminding myself that if I hadn't quit the nice, reliable well-paying job I would have no health insurance. And that's enough to scare anyone into submission.

Got to get to class.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Highlights

So far this weekend I have:

Eaten an ice cream cone so large it should've had it's own mayor (translate: ice cream at Honey Hut)

Gone to a hospital large enough to have it's own zip code (Thank you, Cleveland Clinic).

Been up close and personal and bumped into more people than I ever wanted to encounter (Courtesy of the Feast of the Assumption in Little Italy).

Met relatives I didn't know were relatives (but apparently knew me and could recognize me despite our ten year gap in meeting each other).

Explained to more people just what anthropology is (Easy answer? I people watch.)

Tried to sing in Latin and fared fairly well until I realized I was mispronouncing every single "v" and "v" because of my education in classical versus church latin...

Not gotten a ticket in Ohio thanks to the lovely invention of cruise control.

Had blood drawn out of the top of my hand. Apparently my arms are even more finicky than usual.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Nerves

Well. About to head out for work. This is my last day this week and then I leave tomorrow for the Cleveland Clinic. Quite nervous. Actually, nervous to the point of making myself more sick than usual. I just really wish that it could be some miracle diagnosis where I walk in, they look at my file for twenty minutes and figure out what's wrong with me. I know that won't happen, but I'm just so sick of more doctors, more visits, more tests, more frustration and STILL NO ANSWERS.

So, I leave tomorrow early afternoon-ish and I will hopefully be on my way back Saturday.

Would appreciate any and all prayer.

Monday, August 4, 2008

A commentary on cars, moving, and moving on.

We shall begin our treatise tonight with cars. Okay, so maybe this blog is not systematic or logical enough to be considered a 'treatise' but it sounded good. Anyways, back to the cars with our first newsflash

.... R.I.P. Betsy the Incredible Not-So-Edible Tin Can...

Yes, yes, my fellows. Betsy has passed on to greener pastures (translate: she's now a parts car). This Wednesday last she finally let go (broke a timing belt) and felt it was her time to go (i.e., why get a $300 belt replaced on a $200 car that will break down again next month?).

So it was with a heavy heart and weary feet that I wandered through car lots searching for a new metal pet. At last a (more than) suitable replacement was finally found.

Meet Parker. She's a red '97 Taurus GL and seems to be running while these first three days. Pluses: 1) Air Conditioning, 2) Heat, 3) Seats five comfortably (that last one is the really important word) and 4) has a charger that works! And, yes. Her name is Parker. Don't ask why. It's a stupid story and I was tired, but it stuck. Then again, you'll probably ask why now that I've said that, so what the heck.

Next subject: Moving. The house sold. My parents closed on Thursday and are leaving tomorrow morning for the (supposedly, though I've never seen it) fair city of Indianapolis. Having been ousted from my former residence, I was offered a place to stay with some dear friends and it is proving to be a blessing already. This is my first night here and (I think) it's going well. In a few weeks, I'll be headed back to the Flint area to finish school.

Which brings us to topic number three! Moving on. Ack. I have two semesters of school left. I'm going back on the 26th and then I (pending all proves well) will be graduating the beginning of May. On one hand this is (ridiculously, oh-so-thrilling, very, very) very exciting. I will finally be done! On the other, this is still a very daunting task ahead of me and still a more daunting future once I get out. Who hires a recent college grad with only a BA in Anthropology? Well, I'm hoping someone will!

Must go. It's nearing midnight and I've got a busy day ahead of me tomorrow. Te mando un beso grande.

Friday, July 4, 2008

Untitled

I don't want to praise you
I don't want to see your works
I don't want to seem I need you
I don't want to seek your face

It's too awkward; too painful
To overlook the mediocrity
Get past our imperfection and distraction
To see what your glory can be

I don't want to sing hackneyed words
Don't want to make music from lies
I don't want to sing and not believe
Don't want to praise you in nonchalance

I'd like to praise you with all that I am
But I'm torn in too many directions
I'd like to believe I could sing in truth
But it feels like I'm playing a fool.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Game Cube

So... As some of you may know, I have never been terribly technologically inclined. Especially in regards to video games and the like. However, a friend of mine was recently given a Game Cube and I have been trying my hand at a few games. The outcome on some has been interested and on others not pretty at all.

Tony Hawk: Hm... poor Tony endured more broken noses, twisted ankles and concussions via my hands than he probably has in his entire career. That being said, I finally did learn how to grind on the rails under the tutelage of my very patient friend, Heather.

Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers: Surprisingly well. Admittedly, I did start at the easiest level possible, but it was my first time every playing a video game. Granted, I did progess over two-thirds of the way through the game on that first time playing.

Harry Potter: Quidditch World Cup: I had a fair amount of success with this game. Until I reached the World Cup. The premise is that you pick a house, start in training, progress through a few Hogwarts matches and go to the House Cup. If you win the House Cup, you are automatically thrust into the World Cup where you choose the country you would like to play and play against. I was doing quite well in the beginning, leading the Slytherin team (including a very whiney Malfoy) to victory over Gryffindor for the House Cup. I even learned a few combos and managed to pull it off with some dignity. The World Cup was another matter. By my hands, England was slaughtered by France. Apparently, I still have a thing or two I need to learn about both video games and quidditch.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Excerpts from Isaiah

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. Since you are honored and precious in my sight, and because I love you... Do not be afraid, for I am with you. Lead out those who have eyes, but are blind, who have ears but are deaf. All the nations gather together and the peoples assemble. Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in th desert and streams in the wasteland... to give drink to my people, my chosen, the people I formed for myself that they may proclaim my praise." -Isaiah 43:1b-3a, 4a, 5a, 8-9a, 18-19, 20b-21

"This is what the Lord says-- he who made you, who formed you in the womb, and who will help you: Do not be afraid, O Jacob, my servant, Jeshurun, whom I have chosen. For I will pour water on the thirsty land, and streams on the dry ground; I will pour out my Spirit on your offspring, and my blessing on your descendants. They will spring up like grass in a meadow, like poplar trees by flowing streams. One will say 'I belong to the Lord'; another will call himself by the name of Jacob; still another will wrote on his hand, 'The Lord's' and will take the name Israel... I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. Return to me, for I have redeemed you." -Isaiah 44:2-5, 22

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Good night and good luck!

Hello, hello again. Just sitting here and thought I'd type something up before I hit the sack. Life is pretty uneventful as usual. Been looking around at apartments lately. There are a few that sound interesting.

Got my grades back for this past Winter semester. It was good. I don't know about the rest of you, but I always have a serious amount of apprehension when checking final grades. Even if I know I did well, it's the fear of the unknown. Anyway, so it's good now and it feels like a huge weight off of my chest.

Well, should sign off. Hope you all are well!

Monday, June 2, 2008

Magic Eight Ball

Shake, shake
Ask a question
Should I stay or should I go?
Shake, shake
Turn it over
Want an answer: yes or no

Put up
On my shelf
Growing dusty day by day
Don't stop
I ignore you
'Til I need to know again

Is God my magic eight ball?
Or is he the hall vending machine?
Put him away 'til the time's convenient
Laugh when I don't like the answers

Flip, flip
Seeking wisdom
I play scriptural roulette.
Don't like
What I'm seeing
Flip a few more pages yet.

Scorn, scoff
Then I close it
Ignoring any answers there.
Move on
I don't listen
It's easier to shut it out.

Is God my magic eight ball?
Or is he the hall vending machine?

.....

Okay, so I know this sounds slightly irreverent. In all honesty, I wanted it to sound like that. I want it to sound shallow, self-serving, etc. I was contemplating today --okay, not contemplating... I have had a few big decisions come up on me in the past few days and I realized I should pray about it. And then I was struck by the fact that I use God like some people use a magic eight ball. The first verse came to me as I was driving home from work and it seemed to work.

Then again, I'm over-tired and bordering on sleep deprivation right now, so it could be merely crappy and my sleepless state has allowed me to see my poetry through rose-colored glasses.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Happy Memorial Day!

Hello all! Hope you all are enjoying your long weekend!

So, what exactly does one do on Memorial Day? For some reason, I'm coming up empty. Is this a parade holiday? Yes? Hm... must be especially tired to not remember such details. Actually, I should really know this as I live next to a cemetery and you'd think I would notice the goings-on from year to year...

So, today is a day of celebration for an entirely different reason than the long weekend. I finally have air-conditioning in my car! The first day ever. :o) By the way, this is so much more than just Lindsey being an idiot and not knowing how to turn on the AC. Please read on. As some (most?) of you know, I bought Betsy the Tin Can (Yes, that is her name) a year ago this fall and she's pretty much lived up to what I paid for her (a whopping, bank-breaking $200USD). So, when I bought her the man told me, "Oh, you just untie this little thing here and..." Okay, so I basically forgot the rest of what he said... :o/ But I figured it out today! I finally got so fed up with driving around with the heat on and the windows down (Understandable, no?) that I spent half an hour flipped nearly upside down on my driver's seat with my head under the steering wheel. It was an amusing picture at best. Anyway, so I figured it out (you really do only have to untie a string and let it down. Silly me!) and now I have AC. Blessed air conditioning, how did I live without you for so long? ;o)

Well, I'm off. Enjoy your weekends, your picnics, parades and whatnot. Tchuß!

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

An Update

Well, I haven't really updated in a while. I have a few moments now (It is just after one o'clock in the morning) and will try to figure out something to write --even if it is just to alert the world to my continued, but boring existence. ;o)

School's out. Has been for about a month. It seems much farther away than that, but it's just an illustration of the relativity of time, I suppose. I'm working full-time (six days a week) now with no study obligations for the summer and it works. I enjoy it and it keeps me busy. Weeks go by so much faster when I'm working most of the time.

I am doing more writing and drawing since school has let out. Hoping to pull out the paints once I get a day off or at least figure out an easy way to pack my easel in the car. My pictures aren't terribly exciting, but they're therapeutic. There's something about pencil over paper, turning lines into images, that calms me as rote practices and routine calm others.

Getting back into sketching and painting has also led me to some contemplation. For such a long time, I brushed off the works of artists I could not understand (one that flummoxed me for a while was Jackson Pollock) . Now I have been struck lately by the urge to represent on paper and canvas, not relationships, situations and places, but feelings. At the risk of writing a verbose bunch of drivel, I continue on: What color is anger? Is it red with burning indignation or blue with that cold, bottled fury? I know some (myself formerly included) who would pass up Picasso's Guernica, for Monet's Waterlilies any day. Up close, Monet's famous lilies are nothing but messy splotches of color on a gigantic canvas. In reality, Picasso's is more detailed. Why credit (or discredit, I suppose, depending on your opinion) one over the other?


All right, so I'll step off of my soap box now and get back to the topic at hand. Well, as much of a topic as I ever had. It was 'updating', I believe?

Writing-wise, I've just been working on a few things I've had forever: a small (as-of-yet) collection of poetry and a novel. I know the reality is that they will never be published and will likely only be read by myself and perhaps a friend or two, but I write just the same. And just the same as any unpublished author, I hope for the ever elusive (and non-existent) day when I will walk in a book store and find my novel on the shelf. I call it my not-so-Great American Novel. It fits it well. It is a story that I have hacked, re-hacked and trashed many times over the past eight years. Actually, it's more like three or four stories, torn apart and then put back together into a veritable patchwork quilt of a book.

No news yet from the doctors. Thanks to all of you who've been thinking of and praying for me lately. It seems we've hit more dead ends. This past month has been better than the last few. Unfortunately, as I do have my good and bad weeks, this is not an indication of improved health, but merely a respite from whatever is going on. I realize some of my previous entries have had a rather angst-ridden tone. I would apologize except for the fact that at that time it was perhaps my only way of being truly honest. I was -still am?- terrified and as cheesy and hackneyed as poetic angst is, it provided an expression and a release that was needed at the time. I will try to keep you all updated and provide you with news when I have some.

Hopefully we will get this figured out --and soon. I don't know how well I can handle continuing on in this manner when I have no control over my health, mental and physical. It is very odd. I don't know that I've ever tried to put into words --at least, written words-- what happens to me. It's more unnerving than anything I've ever experienced before. It's a feeling of absolutely no control. Like a panic attack and a coronary with a side of insanity. ;o) My heart races, my head spins and aches, my temperature spikes, I get nauseous, my arms go numb, and -scariest of all- I can't think. There have been so many times in the past few months when Mom just holds me, trying to comfort me because I simply can't think. It terrifies me that I simply can't think straight when I get like that. I feel like a complete fool, the village idiot --in so much pain that I can't even express myself in words. It's like I lose all mental capacity when these attacks come on. I know I'm not insane and I know it's not psychological, but still there are days that I wonder... :o/

Not much else to update on. Been playing a bit of music now and then. Been listening to it more. Current favorites that are in the rotation in my car: Paquito D'Rivera (Latin Jazz), Dave Brubeck Quartet (Classic? Jazz), Once (Movie Soundtrack), Eric Clapton (I hope I don't have to define this one for you!), Kaki King (que maravillosa!), John Mayer Trio (much better than John Mayer's solo stuff), Bhangra (various artists), Judy Wexler (Vocal Jazz) and Josh Turner (Okay, yes, I'm a sucker for a good bass, even if it is country).

Saw the season finale of Bones tonight. Wow. Not 'wow' as in it was incredible, but 'wow' as in unexpected. To be honest, the writing wasn't that good and the plot was a little... unpolished. I just never expected that. Heather, a friend and fellow Bones fan, dropped a hint about what happened in the finale and I had it figured out before we watched it tonight online. I wish I had been wrong. I understand why it happened, but that character was in my top three favorites. Argh.


I hope you all are well and I apologize for my lack of contact. I would say it will not happen again, but knowing me and my scatter-brained manner, I would be lying.

Chau.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

A poem I like, but can't remember the name for at this time...

It is nonsense, says Reason
It is misfortune, says Calculation
It is nothing but pain, says Fear
It is hopeless, says Insight
It is ridiculous, says Pride
It is frivolous, says Prudence
It is impossible, says Experience
It is what it is, says Love
-Erich Fried

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Untitled (as of yet)

White coats
With skeptical eyes
Pounding heart
Am I telling lies?

"Here's the poke"
Heavy head
I see the phial fill
With lifeblood red

Whirring, humming
Red lights, green
Have to lie still
Looking for things unseen

Trouble speaking
Confusions reign
Can't think straight
Might be going insane

Can't slow down
Can't even speak
They don't believe me
Just think I'm weak

Limbs won't work
Arms gone numb
Chest seizes up
Relief won't come

No control
Fighting inside
Got to tell someone
But can't confide

Hide it well
You'd never know
The power of disease
I try not to show

More tests, more
No answers still
Hope starts to vacate
For emptiness so chill

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Well, Monday was interesting. To say the least. But to explain Monday, we have to go back to the weekend. Which I spent in bed. Sick. I don't know who knows what or how much. At this point, you all know probably as much as I do. I don't know what's causing whatever's happening to me. I don't know why they run test after test after test and still don't get any answers.

So, yes, back to Monday. I spent it in the ER. Well, to be absolutely correct, I spent the first few hours in bed trying to control a heart that wouldn't stop racing, a brain that wouldn't stop spinning, a head that wouldn't step aching and basically a body that ignored my every plea.

Sunday, March 9, 2008

Breakdown

I'm sick of it. Sick of the whole "being brave" or "being strong" crap. I just want to break down and have a good desperate cry. If asked how I'm doing, I'll inevitably say "I'm fine." Of course I will. I'll say it because that's what is expected of me.

The truth? I'm terrified. Scared out of my mind. Reduced to the point of wailing like a small child because I don't have the answers. I just don't know and it's driving me crazy. I don't want to have to think about the possibility of something being terribly wrong. I'm so scared of what it could be that I can't even write it here.

I just want answers. Even a name to put to this crap I'm living through. At this point, I'd take knowing a horrible truth than being stuck in this limbo of ignorance, where I can do nothing and have absolutely no control.

Monday, March 3, 2008

Geniuses

Don't you love it how alleged geniuses can say just about anything and get away with it? A favorite example: Charles Fourier, French philosopher and sociologist. Among some moderately well-formed ideas of his, the following are included:

"Fourier's passion for numbers led him to predict that the ideal world he was helping to create would last 80,000 years, 8,000 of them in an era of Perfect Harmony in which:
  • androgynous plants would copulate
  • six moons would orbit the earth
  • the North Pole would be milder than the Mediterranean
  • the seas would lose their salt and become oceans of lemonade
  • the world would contain 37 million poets equal to Homer, 37 million mathematicians equal to Newton and 37 million dramatists equal to Molière, although "these are approximate estimates"
  • every woman would have four lovers or husbands simultaneously"
(From http://www.historyguide.org/intellect/lecture21a.html)

While I generally admire those who think outside the box, I think this might be stretching it a wee bit.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Mid-semester Blues and Blahs

Well, I'm in the library right now, taking a bit of a research break. My attention span is... well, not much. Let's just say that. I love books. Anyone who knows me knows that. It's just the sit down and read through hundreds of dry (and I'm talking reading-wise) and dusty tomes for hours on end. Even with the advantages of online databases, it still leaves a good amount of 'wading' to be done. Ah well.

It's technically Spring Break Right now. And don't ask me why Spring Break is scheduled in February. I don't know. It doesn't really make sense, but I take what I can get, yes? Being the good little student that I am (no comments from the peanut gallery, thank you very much!), what am I doing for Spring Break? Why, going to school as I normally do and spending hours in the library, of course!

Ah well, c'est la vie.

Thursday, January 31, 2008

Sitting here yet again

As my sociology professor saw fit to leave town for a week and not locate a substitute, I have been relishing my two days of having extra time before my first class of the day. Usually I rush out the door at 9:00 or 9:30 and make it here about 15 minutes before my first class at 11am. But with sociology on hold this week (yay!) I don't have to be in class until 12:30pm. So exciting. Really, it is. I have time to sit in the computer lab doing homework, looking up articles for research projects, browsing the library catalogue (You really gotta love university libraries!) and even getting a chance to post on here. Usually by the time I get home from work or school at night I am just too tired to try to update.

So, I'm currently rereading 'Till We Have Faces, by C.S. Lewis. I read it quite awhile ago, but seem to have forgotten the gist of it. On the encouragement from a friend, I decided to give it another chance. I have to say, Orual is fast becoming one of my favorite literary characters of all time. If you have read it and have a minute to reply, I'd love to know what you think of it. I just got it yesterday (I seem to have lost my old copy!) and I'm only in chapter four or five, but WOW.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

So...

So, just sitting here in the computer lab. No Social Thought this week, so I get to come in a full 1.5 hours later! Exciting! Actually, I came in early just the same to try and print off my State & Local notes off of ProgData and it's not working. Argh. Why don't they just use Blackboard? I know it has it's flaws (many of them), but everyone knows how to use it and find things on there. Or maybe the notes just aren't up and that's why I can't find them on there... Hm... that means I have to check again on break. Crap.

Not much else is happening other than school and work. My one day off is Sunday, which unfortunately has become a homework day. Not exactly how I want to spend the one day off a week, but it's what must be done. This is what I get for going back, eh?

And now... off to class!

____________________

It's me. Back for a sec. Well, oddly enough, my professor did switch to Blackboard. Hah. The irony. I'm sitting here complaining about it and he's already done it. Ah well. One of those days. ;o)

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Cold!

Sitting in my room
I hear the wind bluster around the house
Pull the blankets closer
Ignoring the cold I know I must face

Even in weather this cold
There's no escaping the necessity
Of venturing outside
To take care of chores that won't disappear

Stalking outside with a scowl
Facing winter seems regrettably unavoidable
Hat pulled low; scarf over my nose
Can't feel my toes and my ears are protesting

Hands shoved in pockets
Forgot the gloves again and shiver
Next time I'll remember to wear
Another layer upon layer upon layer

Back inside, nose gone red,
Welcoming heat greets my frostbitten feet
Fingers are moving now
Turn back from blue to red of protest and warm exultation.

Sink back into blankets
And let out a sigh as the warmth comes back in
Wiggling toes, I grab my book
And set off again in my pursuit to ignore winter.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

The bump in the road...

A.K.A. "having-my-car-break-down-on-the-second-day-of-school-in-the-
middle-of-nowhere".

Yes, Betsy is in the repair shop. This morning we left Lansing on time (possibly even early) and Got all the way to Morrish Rd when Betsy decided that life wasn't worth living. She promptly started noisily complaining and decided to conk out on the side of 69. She even started smoking. Argh. I am so frustrated with cars. If I believed in kharma, I'd have to think that in some non-existent past-life I was a complete jerk. Yes, so Betsy in now in a repair shop somewhere (not sure where... I should probably know that) and I'm stranded at school.

On a plus note, got to see Mom and Grams, spent an hour with them at the farmer's market between classes, bought an amazing sonce for $1 and received a ginormous oatmeal cookie for free!

So... my day has been.... Well, we'll just say it's been interesting. Hope you all are having more carefree days than I am!

Friday, January 4, 2008

Just a little one-shot

Just a little one-shot I wrote a while back.

"Deep, calming breaths. They always said that slowing your breathing was a good relaxation technique. Deep, calming breaths. Clears the mind; relaxes the muscles; releases tension. Deep, calming breaths. Deep, yes. Calming? No. With each breath came the waves of overwhelming guilt, embarrassment, humiliation. Every breath brought up a different, more painful memory. The rejection from her top school; the rejection of the "only one"; the reckless, late-night email; the declined credit card application and the tendency toward stupidity, naivete and blushing. The breaths that were supposed to be getting deeper and slower only became more shallow as the minutes and memories passed on. She drew her knew up to her chest and sat there on the floor, her sobs shaking her from her head to her toes.

She was transparent. Not the kind of transparent people use when referring to some real; some one genuine, but the transparent of the wallflower who's never seen and that of the woman whose soul is bared to the world, who's mask has been torn away to show the inner workings beneath.

It had been like this as long as she could remember. Her memories haunting, following her through life in a train of grey-bodied ghosts, flowing with her blood. The beginning of the line was headed by the memory from middle school. He was her first real crush and now the memory of that German class haunted her still. Her stuttering, middle school shadow was always there to serve as a painful reminder of her humiliation. The letter from Stanley was on of the strongest shadows. , resilient through all her attempts to push it away. The day she'd opened the letter, expecting to see words of welcome and instead saw a Dear John letter with a "thanks, but no thanks" message. That piece of mail had cost her many tears and it still haunted her after she'd ripped it into bits and burnt it to a crisp.

Paul Coelho once wrote, "Destiny is what you have always wanted to accomplish. Everyone, when they are young, knows what their destiny is. At that point in their lives, everything is clear and everything is possible. They are not afraid to dream and to yearn fro everything." How true it was. Her dreams had been great as a child. She had not been afraid of dreaming then. Now after rejection after rejection and one dream shattered after another, she wondered if her destiny was simply just to exist, work a dead-end job and then simply cease. Her life was a Pandora's Box. Her broken dreams and sorry existence: the troubles and suffering within. Unlike Pandora's box, it seemed hers was devoid of hope, even after all the trouble had seeped out. Wasn't that supposed to be the one good thing? Hope was born from Pandora's Box. But not hers. If hope had been there, it had disappeared long ago."